I am notorious for trying to make it look like I have it together. Check my Instagram in the Gallery and you will see one happy snapshot to the next. Have I fooled you? I work full-time, care for my children, love my husband and have a great family support system, but sometimes it's not the picture perfect life that I appear to have online. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of people using social media to vent about their fight with their spouse or shame their kids, but I'm not sure that we're being authentic when we post that everything is wonderful either.  I try and keep my online presence fairly positive, but sometimes I feel like that's not real life, and I wind up fooling myself.

Why do we do this as parents? Is it because we're so afraid to let others help us? Is it because asking for help will mean that we've failed as parents? Is it because we fear that people on social media will judge us? Or are we simply afraid to be real in fear that we will have to face that this is our lives the amazing things and the messiness too. 

The thing is, life is messy and we are simply trying to do our best. 

Sometimes I pretend.

After 120+ days of getting up in the middle of the night to feed your child you begin to lose yourself. You begin to lose your rationality. I can completely understand why sleep deprivation is a torture tactic. After not receiving a full night's sleep (again), I put on my makeup (a shower is a toss up), I get in the car (late again), go to work, put in a full 8 hour day, drive home, play with my kids, eat dinner, hope that it's not bath night, put them to bed, and crash. I barely see my husband. And forget watching TV, I'm way too tired. It is hard. 

Sometimes I get angry.

I yelled at my husband the other day because I let him sleep in sometimes on the weekend. I yelled because I never ask for his help with the nighttime feeding. I was mad because I was tired. I was mad because I want to be the supermom that I put out there online. Why do I try to do this alone? It is hard and I made it harder. 

Sometimes I question my decision-making. 

Last week I dropped my son off at daycare for the first time and he cried when I left. It broke my heart, and I wondered if I was making the right decision. I knew it was a difficult decision to make, but I put on a brave face and made it look like it was easy to leave him crying. Why did I do this? I needed to admit, it was hard. 

Sometimes I feel alone.

I try to make my family look presentable for church on Sunday morning. What you didn't see when I greeted you with my happy face was that I was up the night before feeding my infant daughter, my toddler son woke me just 2 hours after climbing back into bed, he cried as soon as we hit the parking lot because he is afraid to be left alone, and I can't decide if I want a hug, to sleep, to cry, or be left alone. I feel alone, I am emotional, and it is hard. 

Parenting is difficult. The truth about doing difficult things is that you get such great satisfaction when you make it to the other side and are better for it. No one sees all the hard work you are putting in behind the scenes to raise kids, clean your house, and be the glue that holds it all together.

So where is the satisfaction? Well, you have to wait until the kids reach adulthood to find out if your hard work paid off.  You have to wait to see if your sleepless nights, tears, anger, questioning, and loneliness, were worth it. We need to stop feeling these things alone and pretending like it's easy. IT. IS. HARD. 

While I do not believe in "keeping up with the Joneses," I certainly try to "do it all," "have it all," and "be it all" to all people in my life. I set a ridiculous high standard for myself and refuse to lower it until I crash. I want to change. I don't want to make it look easy, because that isn't real life. 

I want people to know that it's hard. 

I want someone to read this and think, "me too," or "I've been there."

I want to be a resource for other people in my community because sometimes it's hard. As much as I don't want anyone else to do it alone, I don't want to do it alone either. 

Someday, I will give up trying to make it look easy and just embrace that it's messy. And even though it's hard, the love I will be able to share with my husband and my kids will melt all the difficult times away. The fact that my heart swells with love for my family will erase the memory of all the difficult times. And soon the fact that this was hard will all be a distant memory. 

It is hard, but it is worth it.