My oldest starts kindergarten tomorrow and I have all the feels!

I have all the usual feels like, “Where did my baby go?” and “Time is a thief!” and “I’m so excited for him to go to kindergarten.”

When I pictured his first day of kindergarten I would have never pictured that he would be starting his first class remotely in the middle of a pandemic. Remote learning for our county is scheduled for at least the first nine weeks of the school year. This has brought on all kinds of additional feelings (mostly based in fear) like, “How can I possibly get my kindergartner to sit still during ‘class time’?” and “Will he be focused enough to complete his classwork?” and “Will he get all the services he is entitled to given that he has been diagnosed with autism?”

That’s right, I’m sending my five year old who has autism to kindergarten for the first time, during a pandemic where the learning will be taking place remotely. Not to mention that he is the oldest of four, which means that his siblings ages four, two, and one are just as needy, if not needier than him. Plus, I’m working remotely full-time and trying to hold on to my job given the state of the general economy. Some days I think I’m insane.

I’ve been working at home and caring for all four kids since the pandemic hit in March. I’ve (mostly) made it work. I’ve learned what’s important and what I have to let go. So, for all my friends that wonder how I do it the answer is, I don’t do it perfectly and I don’t do it alone. Basically, my house has toys everywhere, and sometimes my kids run around without clothes. It’s the best I can do.

In fact, there are so many toys that I’ve started hiding the blocks and Legos because I’m tired of stepping on them (and cleaning them up) each night. I leave a pile of dishes in the sink every day for my husband to tackle when he gets home. My husband also does the laundry late at night while I’m passed out in one of my kid’s beds. I’ve got coffee on an IV drip and I take lots of deep breaths… oh and Zoloft can’t forget that. Zoloft is how I don’t lose my sh*t every dang day.

Since I’ve obviously done well enough this far, I figured that starting tomorrow, I’ll just go ahead and add remote school to my list of super powers. I mean why not, right? It’s not like I had much of a choice, but instead of resisting I’m going in head first!

Joking aside, I can’t believe we’re in this situation, but I know I have to make the most of it. I know that we’re all being safer for staying home. I also know that I’m going to need additional support. Since Gardner has special needs I’ve been doing all that I can to advocate for him and it is paying off. I’m pretty sure the entire school system knows my name now, but I’m actually less fearful today than I was yesterday.

Maybe because his magnetic visual schedule from schKIDules came in today and I couldn’t be happier to use this tool with him. I’ve already sent his class schedule to one of his therapists and started working with the school administrators and his teacher on getting a more detailed visual schedule for him to help him stay on track throughout the day. We definitely have work to do, but I’m appreciative of all the collaboration.

I never thought that my kindergartner would be at the desk next to me participating in video calls side by side with me for the first quarter of school. While I’m busy typing emails, taking client calls, and drumming up virtual event business. Gardner will be learning to spell, read, add, and subtract. I’ll be teaching him about the ways of the world, while he learns about the states and his place in the world. In some ways, it’s the best experience I can give him.

At first I was angry that we would be remote learning. How could I possibly teach this child, who is often so rigid in his thinking and behavior? The idea was terrifying and daunting. After all the preparation for this big day I’m not so angry anymore. The way of the future will be on a screen, so we may as well start now to get him acclimated. People around him seem to be willing to accommodate him too.

Tomorrow will certainly tell me lots of things. I predict that it will be a chore to get Gardner to sit through his teacher’s lessons, but that if you give him an assignment and freedom I think he will get the job done. He might surprise me and be very engaged with her. Either way, it will continue to be an adventure.

It’s a journey that I’m glad I’m on with him. We’re going to learn together, laugh together, and possibly cry together. At the end of the day, we’ll be better for it. So here we go, “Into the Unknown." (Yes, it’s a “Frozen 2” reference, my 4-year-old daughter loves it).