Every mom wants to do the best for their new little bundle of joy. Science tells us that nursing your newborn is one of those things. Your body naturally makes milk that is perfect for your little one. I knew that I wanted to provide this sustenance for Gardner when he was born. I was ready to have the beautiful bond with him and provide all the nutrients he needed. Except, no one told me that it would be so painful. 

When I first began nursing it was painful. VERY PAINFUL! It was almost unbearable. Surely, women didn't suffer like this through the entire first year of their baby's life. Maybe it would get easier the more I did it?

Lucky for me, my hospital had a wonderful lactation consultant that came to my bedside to show me how to properly latch Gardner onto my breast. Without this help, I would have given up on day five. With a proper latch, it got easier. 

When I got home I began adjusting to having a human basically attached to me all day and night. Would I ever again get a moment to myself?

This lack of alone time and lack of sleep were the two most difficult things about being a new mom. And yet, lack of sleep wasn't going to stop me from providing all that I could for Gardner. So it began...

Every 1 to 2 hours he would cry to be fed. I slept in increments of 45 minutes at night and powered through during the day. After about 3 weeks of this, I tearfully took my new baby son to my mother in law's house and said, "Please take him, just for an hour or two. I just need a break."

The nursing and the sleepless nights had worn me down to nothing. I felt like a shell of myself. Still, nothing gave me more joy than to get Gardner to latch onto me and fill his little belly up.

I was obsessive. I wouldn't let anyone give him a bottle until he was about 6 weeks old. I didn't want to create nipple confusion. I believed I could be super mom. Even when I went back to work after 11 weeks I would come home and if he was hungry, he was mine. If he was in the middle of a bottle I would snatch him up and nurse him. 

I nursed Gardner every night 3 to 4 times a night until he was about 6 and a half months old, at which time I threw in the towel and asked Jerry to step in and do a nighttime feeding. I had again reached my breaking point to the point of psychosis. Working full time and nursing Gardner 3 times at night was more than I could bear.

Still, when I did get up in the middle of the night to tend to Gardner, those quiet moments were soothing, pleasant, and calming. We sat in the rocking chair, nursed, and relaxed together. We bonded in our own peaceful way. It was these moments every night that I knew that nursing was for me. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I could provide something for Gardner that no one else could and that gave me so much pride. 

Since returning to work, I had religiously pumped about 3 times per day. When Gardner was about 7 months old I realized that maybe it was time to stop. I was tired, Gardner was clearly fine with a bottle and I was going to be traveling. And as we approached 8 months I had stopped nursing at night and he finally slept through the night.  

Honestly, by this point I was tired of being attached to a pump like a cow 6 times a day. The bond between Gardner and I had been established and now I just felt like a buffet. The honeymoon phase of nursing was over for me. I'm sure Gardner might have liked to continue, but I really wanted to get my body back to myself. I knew that it was time. 

I weaned for a few weeks and by 8 and a half months breastfeeding was over. I was sad that it was over, but so happy that I could again call my body my own. 

There is a lot of mom-on-mom hate out there for moms that give up breastfeeding after a week or perhaps never even try. There are also "mommy wars" about people that don't continue breastfeeding for a year and beyond. I'm not here to judge anyone's choice. Whether you breastfeed or not is a personal choice. While I do advocate for breastfeeding, I also understand that sometimes it's not possible, or it's not for you, and as long as your baby is thriving then I believe that you're making the best choice for you and your family. 

Gardner didn't grow a third eye as a result of me stopping breastfeeding him. He transitioned beautifully to formula for the last 3 and half months until he turned one year old, and it made me a better mom for him because of it. 

So while nursing was for me and stopping at 8 and half months was the right time, I believe that everyone needs to make their own choice. I couldn't be happier with my decision, and I hope to have the same experience with CaitieJane when she arrives in May. Still, if my nursing relationship with CaitieJane is different than it was with Gardner, I know that I will still be making the best decision possible for my children, no matter what it is. I think every mom out there is trying to do the same.