Autism is… trying to interrupt the obsessiveness and incredibly focused nature that dictates the life of my five year old in order to keep him safe. Autism is… loving the spark of creativity that he brings to the world and the magic he sees all around. It’s awesome, inspiring, exhausting, and complicated.

I spend my days trying to decode the world within the complicated mind of Gardner, only to find that the next morning is like the movie “Groundhog Day” where we start all over like nothing happened. Progress is so incremental that some days I barely notice. Other days I couldn’t be prouder of how far he has come! He wears short AND long sleeves now without fuss or forcing him to do so. He can express his feelings better than before, even though it’s sometimes verbatim from a cartoon he has seen. Sometimes he is even able to make a change in his routine without too much difficulty.

Still, there are days when there is no breaking his obsessive thoughts and desires. His impulsivity is sometimes debilitating. Getting him to stop and listen to lunch choices is a chore. Getting him to share a toy that his sibling took from him sometimes leaves us both in tears.

We work on visual cues and language about asking to take a break when things are overwhelming. We’ve had a major break-through on using yoga and deep breathing to calm down (thank God!). Yet, if he even thinks there’s a dog nearby he is in crisis mode.

Autism is… a roller coaster.

Gardner doesn’t know anything different than himself and continues to deal with life the best way he knows how. We continue to teach him strategies to communicate and ask for what he needs. I, on the other hand, am constantly struggling to find ways to communicate with him, work with him on dealing with his fears and anxiety, and teach him to share with his siblings and friends, all while trying to keep my own anxiety in check.

The toughest part these days is going out in public. I don’t know what it is about leaving the house with him, but it causes the most anxiety for me. I think it’s the unknown of what we might encounter and how I’m going to help him get through it that causes so much stress for me. Going to Walmart to look for art supplies has become a chore that I dread.

Autism is… stressful.

Gardner is drawn to playing with water, stomping around to feel his feet hit the ground, repeating dialogue from television, and touching everything. In a world where we try to keep our hands to ourselves, my child wants to touch every surface he encounters. His memory amazes me as he repeats various dialogue verbatim.

Autism is… mesmerizing.

Now if Gardner is curious about something he will run toward it. At first, he will be just drawn to it and then when he realizes that I’m chasing him it becomes a game. And it’s not a game I like to play in the middle of Walmart.

If he escapes my sight and I can’t find him, he is often in a different world of his own. A world that is difficult to bring him out of. So, when I’m frantically calling his name, he doesn’t answer.

Autism is… terrifying.

There has been a time or two where I’ve been unable to break Gardner from his obsession and it has resulted in him hitting me or trying to squeeze me as hard as he can in rage. It is the only way he knows how to communicate his feelings in those intense moments. Still, I remain calm and try to get him back to baseline.

Autism is… hard.

At the end of the day, I find myself trying to catch my breath. Sometimes I’ll be sitting on the couch with Gardner and he will snuggle up close to me and say, “Mama, today was a good day.” I know he means it, because he is so frank with his language. It’s almost hard for him to lie.

Autism is… feeling loved.

After the hard days where I think I’m failing him he sometimes recounts all the great things that happened to him that day. Since I’ve been home with him, I’m the center of all those great things. It makes the hard times worth every minute.

I’m learning how to quell my anxiety to be better equipped to deal with the many ways autism affects my life and the lives of my family members. I’m proud to be a mom to four amazing kids. Sometimes I feel ill-equipped to deal with the daily challenges. I feel like I know so much and so little. Yet, I continue to be open to learning because I know how much my kids still have to teach me about being a mom.

Autism is… challenging. It requires patience, love, and kindness. It means that some days are great and other days are not. It’s life as I know it.

Autism is… not something I would change for the world!