Society has come a long way in the working world. It has opened its doors wholeheartedly to women in the workplace. I am so privileged to be able to both work and be a mom. I'm grateful for all the women before me that blazed this trail, so that I could have the opportunity to do both. Yet, I still hear things in the workplace that only moms are asked. While men are more involved in parenting than ever before there is still a wide assumption about the role of a mother that I carry with me to work everyday.
How long are you going to take off when you have the baby?
Of course, being the carrier of new life comes with being asked this question. It's natural, given that a woman's body is the one that truly needs to recover. My reply to this question is typically, "six weeks." This statement is often met with horror and shock by both men and women alike. "That's it?" they will ask. "Wow, that's not a lot of time at all." The thing is that sometimes women are the breadwinners so you don't really have the option to not get paid for additional bonding time with your baby. Furthermore, it's my choice, and I personally am a better mom to my kids because I work. I don't need the judgement that comes with the amount of time that is right for my family. I don't think my husband (or most men) have been asked, "How long are you going be out once your new baby arrives?"
In fact, my husband went to work the next day when I gave birth to our son, and the same morning after we had our daughter in the middle of the night. Obviously, this was a choice that we felt was right for our family, but never once did his boss at the time assume that he was going to take any kind of paternity leave that he was entitled to. It wasn't an ongoing conversation that he had to have with him about finding coverage for months leading up to the birth of our child. Perhaps this is just the side effect of biology and I'm willing to chalk it up to that, but it still amazes me the reaction I get when I say I'm coming back to work as soon as I'm cleared to do so.
Being a working mom must be so hard, don't you miss your kids?
Damn right being a working mom is hard, but if I don't escape those monsters everyday I would go insane! Kidding (sort of). I should also note here that being a stay-at-home mom is just as hard and I couldn't do it, which is why I have chosen to be a working mom.
At the same time, isn't it also hard to be a working dad too? Dads are also away from their kids for 9-10 hours or more everyday. Don't you think that's hard on them? Since men have been working outside the home for much longer this is not something that they are typically asked. They might get asked that if they have a job that takes them away for weeks at a time, but not if they are working an 8 to 5 job.
My husband actually brought a request to his boss about this recently stating that the additional travel time he was incurring caused him not to see his daughter for days at a time and asked for more flexibility. Praise to him for communicating that to his boss and getting more time at home with his family, but I wouldn't say that's the norm. I don't feel like I have this same leverage being that I have to prove that I can keep up with the workload of my male counterparts just like anyone else, despite being a parent.
You haven't missed any work, that's amazing
Being pregnant or having kids doesn't mean that I intend to miss work constantly. I've been lucky that I've never had debilitating morning sickness during pregnancy, so it came as quite a shock to most of my co-workers when I announced my pregnancy recently. To be clear, pregnancy is not a disability. Until late in my pregnancies I have no trouble lifting or moving boxes, and I'm always careful. No need to treat me with kid gloves or think I can't continue to do my job just as effectively as before.
Since I have two kids at home, I occasionally I miss an entire day of work because of my "mom duties." I'm so INCREDIBLY FORTUNATE to have an amazing support system at home, but the assumption that being or becoming a mom means that you'll miss work all the time is frustrating to me. My husband is also just as capable of taking kids to doctor's appointments if needed. I'm not the only one that can care for my children. I have lots of people that can do that just as easily. Now, you may think I'm cold-hearted about this (and my husband does refer to me as "ice queen" from time to time), but my heart truly breaks when I have a sick kid at home. Sometimes that sick kid needs their mom, but there are other times when a dad or grandparent will work just as well or better. I am useless to my sick kid if I know I have a work deadline that I'd rather be trying to meet. I know that they will be nurtured and cared for by people that love them, and that person isn't always me. This allows me to continue to perform at work. It takes a village, right? Why not utilize that village?
How can you be so career driven? Wouldn't that promotion mean more work and time away from your kids?
Do you really ask the men in your office how they can be so career driven or if they want a promotion because they have young kids? Seriously! Let's not make assumptions about a woman's (or a man's) priority in the workforce. If anything, I'm showing my kids that it's okay to have a career, aspire for bigger things, and chase the things you want in life. I'm so motivated to perform in my job, just as much as I am motivated to perform as a parent. Aren't I setting an example that would make my kids proud? Isn't setting a good example the goal of parenting? Why would your company (or anyone else) decide that for you?
I can't tell you how many interviews I've been in over the years where someone will say something like, "Don't you think they are over-qualified and that they will get bored and leave?" My response usually is, "That isn't for us to decide. That's for our candidate to decide." The point here is that you don't know people's stories. Sometimes people want a slower or faster paced job for a variety of reasons. Some women and men decide to forgo a new job because of the travel, whereas others love the prospect because they know they have great support from their family at home. You have to let people decide what's best for them, not decide it for them.
Conclusion
Being a working mom is a privilege that I don't take for granted. I work because it's the best for my family. I work because I want to show my kids they can be anything. I work because frankly, I enjoy it. I'm not at all surprised that I still receive questions that my male counterparts don't, it comes with the territory of being a working mom. I certainly don't think that these questions will all of a sudden disappear, nor do I think that one post is going to change all of society's thoughts about working mothers. I just write to make others aware of how a question (perhaps an innocent one) might come off to anyone that faces the ongoing question of how to work and be a mom. It's my choice to live the life that I live and I wouldn't change it for the world even if there are things that moms are sometimes asked that others just aren't.