I'm back in the newborn stage for the third time. The newborn stage is the stage where I don't sleep and my husband tip toes around trying not to make any sudden movements that would make me lash out, but where I pretend to everyone around me that, "I'm doing just fine."
Last night I cried.
I cried because I'm sleep deprived. I cried because I couldn't get my 12 day old to actually unlatch himself from me (2 hours straight of feeding, burping, and laying him in the crib only to be awoken within 15 minutes to do it again until I broke down in tears).
This seems to be just part of my personal parenting journey and I'm positive it won't be the last time I cry.
I have cried when my 3-year-old wasn't listening to me (which also occurred last night too... sleep deprivation probably played a role in that).
I cried when I dropped my oldest at daycare for the first time, but I told my husband everyone around me was being over dramatic about leaving him there. *Classic mom defense mechanism.*
I have cried when I feel like I've over-committed myself and my family... a trait I'm certainly known for. Thanks to my amazing husband for reeling me back in during those times.
It won't be the last time I cry.
I will cry when each child graduates from elementary school, then middle school, then high school, just like all the other proud parents, am I right?
I will cry from laughing so hard at our inside jokes, funny stories, and mishaps that we're sure to have over the years.
I will probably cry while I look at them all done up for prom thinking, "Where did my babies go?"
I will most certainly cry when I drop them at college, probably big blubbering tears, which is sure to embarrass them to no end. Kids, I'll try not to, but I can't make any promises.
I will cry alongside them when they get their first heartbreak and help them try to make sense of it all.
I will cry when I have to give them away at their wedding and again when I have to dance with them.
I will cry tears of joy should they decide to have kids of their own.
The tears that I cry will be filled with all kinds of emotions, sometimes from stress, other times from joy, other times from sadness, and other times from just belly laughing so hard.
While I'm ready to mold them and watch them become independent people over the next few decades, I'm not prepared for the time that I cry when I realize they don't need me anymore.
I hope those tears never come.
I feel good about the independent woman that I've become, thanks to my parents. But despite my 30 years on this Earth and three kids of my own, I can't say that I don't still need my parents from time to time.
I hope my kids will always need me in some way no matter how old they get.
They will not always need me to change their diapers, help them get dressed, work on a school project, give them advice about how to navigate their friendships and relationships, or help weigh in on an important decision, but I hope they will call on me when they do need me from time to time.
When they do, I will be there, supporting them through laughter and tears along the way.