Like so many other people in the world I have a #MeToo story. Only three people know about the details of my encounter, the man that assaulted me, an ex-boyfriend, and most recently, my husband. Why has it taken me so long to speak out? Like many others, I have felt so much shame about what happened to me.
Since the "Me Too Movement" has come about, I've thought a lot about how I will parent my kids given my firsthand experience as a victim.
Listen
Even now, I try to make sure that I listen closely to my kids every day. It's not easy at the end of a long workday to actually hear what they're saying, but I do try to make a conscious effort to pay attention to how their day was and what they did. Now, all my kids are under the age of 4, so I don't have expectations that they are experiencing assault of the "Me Too" variety. Still, it's never too early to start listening to what they're telling me. You never know what could happen even as young as they are.
Voice
I want them to know that they have a voice and a right to be safe wherever they are. Now, I won't encourage them to put themselves in dangerous places to begin with, but people do make mistakes. I did.
They should be made to feel safe in our house, at school, participating in activities, and going to the park, just to name a few. If there is a time where they don't feel safe they should know that they can say something. I hope I can instill in them that their voice matters.
Saying "no" to an action that makes them uncomfortable should be something that empowers them, even if it can be scary. On the flip side, I hope they listen when someone else uses their voice to tell them, "no." Because someone else's voice and comfort should matter too.
I want them to use their voice for good. To speak up when they feel wronged and to speak up for others that don't feel empowered to speak for themselves.
Shame
I hope that I can teach my kids never to be ashamed of things that happen to them, even if they felt like they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, or that there was no way out. I hope that they will feel comfortable enough to speak up when there is an injustice done to them or someone else. It's okay to be afraid, but I would hate to know that they walked around blaming themselves for something that was beyond their control. I spent too many years with this shame for no reason.
Empathy
I want them to know that I can empathize with so many different situations they may encounter. I'm sure as their parent they might roll their eyes at me or think "how could Mom possibly know what I'm going through?" I hope I can relate to what they're feeling, to let them know that I've been there, and by the grace of God I survived. At the same time, I hope they too can have empathy towards others that have gone through something difficult.
Trust
We've all made bad choices. I know I did. I'm not saying that I plan to ignore a potential problematic choice my kids make, but I do want them to be able to trust that I would be there for them regardless of the choice they made or the situation they may have put themselves in. I may not be happy with the choice, but I will make sure they know that I can be trusted with anything they tell me.
Respect
I want to instill respect for themselves. I want them to know that they matter, that they can say no, that their feelings and desires should be respected.
And I want them to respect others too. I want them to recognize that other people have feelings and their actions can sometimes hurt others unintentionally. I hope that they will treat everyone they encounter with the respect they deserve as human beings.
Recovery
I want them to know that in the event that something does happen to them, that recovery is possible. It may take a long time, but that they will make it through the other side. I'm proof that it does get better.
It's taken therapy, faith, and time to heal from my experience, but I did it, and I'm better for it. I hope that my story can be an inspiration to my kids and others that may carry a burden like this. Just knowing recovery is possible can be a great beginning to moving forward.
My Wish
Of course, my wish for my kids is that they never have a "me too" experience of their own, but I'm preparing myself for the world as it is, filled with mostly good people, but more often than we'd like to admit, someone that thinks they can take advantage of someone else. That's the unfortunate reality. I hope what I instill in them will serve them well in their lives.