As a kid, I had it pretty easy. My own mother was a stay-at-home-mom until I was fifteen. She drove us down to the bus stop each morning. If it was cold and snowy outside she kept us in the warm car until the bus rolled up. She was there after school too. When the bus arrived she would whisk us away to our after school activities. She was always there.
While we were at school, mom took care of everything at home, the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, and cleaning. We barely had to lift a finger. Our lunches were packed every morning and she made breakfast too.
Our clothes were washed and folded in our laundry baskets. When were younger she would put them in drawers. When we got older she left them in our baskets. Mine would stay there until I didn't know what was dirty or clean. Eventually, she would get tired of looking at the clean folded clothes that had been picked through during the week and put them away. Classic Mom.
In the morning, I was always the one that hit snooze too many times. I was constantly missing the bus, which would mean she had to drive me to school. Consequently, my brother (the early bird) learned to eat breakfast on the road because he needed to be driven to school after I was dropped off. Of course, she wasn't happy about driving me to school. I got a lecture most mornings about how I needed to get up earlier. She always said that she was, "never doing this again." I heard it all before. She says she's never doing it again, but inevitably the next time I missed the bus, she drove me.
I learned most of what I know about parenting from my own parents (which includes threatening to never do something again).
My mom was constantly saying how she was going to "blow the television up" because "when the TV is on, ears are off." It is ingrained in my brain. Because of this I pause the show for my kids (a luxury my mom didn't have back then) and make them look at me and acknowledge what I'm saying. It mostly works.
One time mom must have told me five times to get ready, but because the TV was on, my ears were off. Eventually, I realized that she was no where to be found. I went running through the house collecting everything I needed to get out the door and found her in the car in the driveway, waiting for me. I was now late to my dance rehearsal. *Cue lecture.* She was mad, but raced to get me there and thus avoiding natural consequences of missing rehearsal.
I always thought some of these tactics were mean as a kid. And yet have found they're so effective in my own parenting. I often tell my oldest that I'm leaving without him. This makes him panic and go running for his clothes, shoes, and whatever else he's taking to the car. The other morning I was literally walking out the door and he came running to the door, naked, with his clothes in his arms. He was a sight!
The moment that takes the cake however, was last week. I was running around like a mad woman, like usual, doing everything for everyone (or at least that's how I felt) when I decided that, "I quit."
I shouted with rage that I was tired of doing everything and that I needed help. What I needed in the morning was for everyone to start listening. Since no one was listening, I declared that the kids needed to find their own way to school that morning. I packed up my things and walked out the door.
Now mind you, my kids that I needed to get ready and out the door are ages two and three. I'm not quite sure what I expected, but instantly I thought. Classic Mom.
I. HAD. BECOME. HER.
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The year my mom went back to work she worried about us making the bus on time. You know... after all those years of her having to drive me to school because I couldn't get up on time? She had every right to be worried. But do you know what happened? I woke up earlier and made the bus. She was astonished!
My safety net was gone and I figured it out. She couldn't believe it! Her kids (namely me) stepped up to the plate and got themselves dressed and ready for school all by themselves and managed to make the bus ON TIME. Now, there were a few close calls, but we never missed it.
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Now back to present day. Do you know what happened when I "Hulked" out and "quit" last week? Everyone got ready and kept on going without me.
I realized my anger created a lonely existence. I alienated the people around me because of my frustration and when I threw my hands up they all figured it out, just as I did as a kid all those years ago. Now, I would argue my making the bus on time was a sign of maturity, but my most recent behavior was questionable.
As I was bringing my things to the car, I had all the feelings of guilt for shirking my responsibilities. I wasn't getting the appreciation or help I desired by leaving everyone to "figure it out," but instead felt self-doubt and guilt. This is not how I planned it. I marched back inside and waited for my son. I was still angry, but the wheels in my head started turning.
As I drove down to school I thought, How could this be? I wanted everyone else to feel my "suffering" of how hard it is to do everything in the morning, but the only person that suffered was me.
I also felt this twang of appreciation for of all the things my mom did for me as a kid. All those trips to the school just so I could hit snooze one more time, dropping my homework off or lunch when I forgot it, putting the clothes away that I neglected, and driving my brother and me to our activities. All of that support was worth every lecture I ever got.
Being a mom is a thankless job, one that I'm sure my own mom felt like quitting from time to time. I'm so glad she didn't.