I'm back at work today after a long/short six weeks of maternity leave. This is my third time on maternity leave and in some ways I feel like a pro making this transition back to work, and in other ways I'm more saddened by my return than I have previously been.
When I had Gardner I had the opportunity to take twelve paid weeks, but opted to go back after ten weeks. I was bored at home, felt suffocated by my new role as mom, was fighting a bout of postpartum depression, and wanted to feel purposeful again.
When I had Caitiejane I used my previous experience with Gardner and decided to go back after six weeks. During my time home with Caitiejane, I kept in touch with work daily, checked email, and even edited a podcast. The six weeks flew by, but I was still very ready to go back to my working life.
This time, I seem to have fallen into a different groove. When I started my maternity leave I did the same thing I had when I was out with Caitiejane. I checked in with work daily and I answered emails. When Steele was just two weeks old I was very ready to get back to work. I even told my husband that I wasn't sure how I was going to survive the next four weeks at home. Then something changed.
At about three weeks I stopped answering emails so quickly. I actually removed my email from phone entirely. I started disconnecting from work and started embracing my role as mom more fully. I started really taking it all in.
Over the last two weeks I've gotten into a groove of keeping the house straight, reading books with Caitiejane, and even cooking family meals, which is not something I'm known to do. I feel different about returning to work this time. If you would have asked me three weeks ago about going back to work I would have said it couldn't come soon enough. Now that I'm actually going back, I'm conflicted.
I've always considered myself a working person. It has been such a huge part of my identity. Motherhood has been great, but my job is where I felt most accomplished. I always knew where I stood at my job and most of the time I knew I was doing well. When it came to motherhood, I wasn't exactly sure if I was doing well at being a mom.
I can't quite put my finger on what's different about the end of my maternity leave this time. Maybe it's that I now have three kids to care for. Maybe it's that that for the first time I understand my purpose as a mom. Maybe it's that I see the bigger picture raising kids. Maybe it's that I've finally gotten the hang of this cooking thing. Who knows.
I do know that this maternity leave has had some really long days and even longer nights. In the blink of an eye it's now over. I'm back to being a working mom, a title that I do love, but I'm going to miss being home with the kids, spending time with them and teaching them new things.
I won't miss the tantrums or cleaning the constant messes, but I will miss reading books, snuggles, and funny things they do. I will be counting the hours at work until I get home so I can be greeted with their hugs, kisses, and baby snuggles.