“Love is patient, love is kind, it isn’t jealous, it doesn’t brag, it isn’t arrogant, it isn’t rude, it doesn’t seek its own advantage, it isn’t irritable, it doesn’t keep a record of complaints, it isn’t happy with injustice, but it is happy with the truth. Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures all things.Love never fails.”
This post is a tough one for me to write because it demonstrates an internal struggle that I had that was mean-spirited, unappreciative, angry, and resentful. Certainly the opposite of the Biblical passage above. Still, I hope that its honesty and vulnerability sheds some light about the struggles I had in early-parenthood, and what I did to keep moving forward to make it better.
When Gardner was born, I was able to stay home for 10 weeks with him. During those first weeks I operated on less and less sleep, which (as so many people know) is the case when you have a newborn. Jerry continued to work. Because Gardner was born on Labor Day, Jerry was able to be there for his birth, but the next day, he went back to work.
Once we brought Gardner home, I tried to do it all. I did round-the-clock care for Gardner on my own, allowing Jerry to sleep through the night because I thought, "What sense does it make for him to get up, when I am home all day and he has to drive a large truck around making deliveries? Sleepless Jerry certainly isn't safe for anyone." I felt thoughtful for allowing Jerry to get sleep, but I also began to hold it against him (unbeknownst to him).
“Jerry was my life raft that I didn’t know I needed until I was drowning, and the safety net that I ignored was there until I was falling.”
When Jerry would walk in the door after work I would essentially throw Gardner at him. I had usually had enough of Gardner crying, and was so "over" caring for him. I resented that Jerry didn't "do more." While he was out working having an "adult life" I was stuck at home with a baby.
I began keeping my own personal tally sheet of all the things that I did, that Jerry didn't.
- I changed 80% of the diapers
- I got up in the middle of the night 98% of the time
- I bathed Gardner 75% of the time
- I fed Gardner 75% of the time
These thoughts consumed me. I had this nagging desire to create an environment where we shared equally in the burden of this newborn. The problem? "Equal burden" was not achievable because Jerry wasn't home during the day. It seems like simple math, but in a sleepless haze little makes sense.
In reality, Jerry was out working most of the day. When he came home, he DID change diapers, he DID make dinner, and he DID help with the housework. But nothing he did could measure up to my expectations. And so... the resentment crept in.
When I went back to work, I continued to do the same tasks I was doing when I was home with Gardner, except of course during the times I was physically at work. Even then, I stopped work multiple times a day to pump for Gardner. Jerry didn't do these things, he had it easy and I made it easy for him (or at least that's what I believed during those dark times of resentment).
I worked full-time AND cared for Gardner at night. Jerry slept. The tally sheet got longer.
“I kept up my “super mom” image. ...I felt unprepared for the struggle in front of me.
I felt alone. ”
These feelings I was trying to suppress would eventually bubble up into outbursts about how I felt like I was doing everything. These outbursts were unwarranted and Jerry didn't deserve that, but it was hard for me to recognize all the things he WAS doing.
When I lashed out he defended himself, but he didn't rattle off all the things he DID do around the house. He simply said, "I'm trying, and I'll do better. I NEED to do better" I felt guilty. At the end of my rage I felt even worse about my feelings. I started to resent myself.
Within weeks of giving birth I was depressed and remained that way for months, but I was too proud to show it to anyone. I kept up my "super mom" image. A perfectionist persona I have been working on since childhood (perhaps the product of being a millennial child, where everything was handed to me and I faced little adversity). I felt unprepared for the struggle in front of me.
I felt alone.
I tell people that it took Jerry and I about a year to develop a sense of normalcy in our household post-Gardner. I worked on myself daily to push my resentment away, and eventually we had a system that worked for us both. The resentment began to fade.
During the time that I resented my husband, he continued to show me love, do things around the house, care for the baby, and allowed me to go out with friends without having to worry about Gardner. He was amazing, despite my verbal lashings that I threw at him every so often.
So what changed?
I did.
I realized that I couldn't live my life by a tally sheet. Over time Gardner started sleeping through the night and the sleep deprivation got better, which helped me regain a clear, rational mental state.
I began giving myself daily reminders about all the things Jerry did. I also thought about what I would do without him. Thinking about doing it all alone, without his help, was frightening. If I was terrified to do life without him, then surely there must be things he's doing that are incredibly helpful. And there was... I was just too angry to see it.
I started asking Jerry for specific help on household tasks, and he was more than happy to pitch in. I let him know when I was tired, and he made me take naps (despite my resistance). Not once did he complain that I fell asleep on the couch at 8 o'clock at night.
Today, I couldn't imagine life without Jerry or life without Gardner. Jerry cooks, cleans, gives Gardner baths, cleans up Gardner's toys, reads to him, plays with him, and changes his diapers, all things he was doing all along, I just refused to see it. We are a team.
My heart is happy when I see daddy and son playing together. Jerry is the most fun-loving dad a child could ask for. His playful nature, love, and affection for Gardner and I is contagious. Most of all, Jerry is patient and protects me from myself, especially when I am sleep deprived... or when I become irrational... or worse, my own worst enemy. We have grown so much over the past year and half since Gardner was born. I couldn't imagine life with anyone else.
We get the privilege to become parents again in May with a little girl. I have no doubt that life will again be different and it may take some time to find a new normal, but knowing what I know now about myself and my husband gives me the power and drive to be the best wife and mother. I have no doubt that I will have shortfalls and sometimes still need protection from myself, but at least I know I have a solid, unwavering partner in crime during this endeavor, so that I don't feel so alone.
Jerry was my life raft that I didn't know I needed until I was drowning, and the safety net that I ignored was there until I was falling. Thanks to my husband for his love and support through all the crazy things I've thrown at him. I'm glad to be on this parenting journey together and can't wait to see what life brings us next!
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”